So over the next four months, we were open books with each other. I slowly learned about his PTSD and how his body responds to his triggers. And he learned about some of my own personal demons and past insecurities. I struggled and stumbled over learning how to react and respond to him when he was triggered.
On a much happier note, I learned that I would never be allowed to touch a door handle. No matter the situation.. Getting in to the car.. He opens the door.. Getting out of the car.. He opens the door.. Walking into the house.. He carries my purse, and all the groceries, and usually Starbucks.. Because he always had to buy me my favorite Starbucks and cake pops when we were out.. And even though his arms and hands were full when we got to the door.. He would yell at me.. (And I say "yell" very lightly.. As I have only heard the man even raise his voice one time.) If I even thought about trying to touch the door handle. If I woke up craving Starbucks rather than all of his fancy coffee's from one of his fancy coffee makers, he would run out and get me coffee.. And surprise me with those same cake pops. He also never allowed me to pump my own gas. Because Queen's don't pump their own gas. So he would always tell me, that if I was getting low on gas.. to just wait before I got any gas.. And he would fill it up.. Even threatening to drive down (We live an hour and 15 minutes apart) and go fill up my car if need be.
Date night always consisted of movie night at his house.. Because he can't really do the Friday night busy bar or restaurant scene.. But it was always perfect.. A mattress pulled into the living room with extra pillows, and my favorite fuzzy blanket.. Where he had a pile of my favorite candies for me to snack on while he cooked dinner. And then we would curl up and watch a movie with a fuzzy blanket.
This routine went on for weeks. And some days he would call me to tell me he needed to shut down for the day. Either because of a doctors appointment, or errands that had to be run, or because he felt pressured or triggered by something. Sometimes that something would be me.. After all, it's been a learning curve for me. I'm still learning. But he would just need a day of very minimal contact and interaction.
But he made my insecurities disappear. Those feelings of never being able to be enough. Were gone. He had the ability to love me the way I needed to be loved.. Without me having to explain to him what I needed or when. I felt safe. I felt secure. I felt loved. I was adored.. And I know all of these things, by him constantly telling me "I adore you." I never have felt loved the way he loved me. I never felt more wanted. And at the same time, I knew I never have loved someone unconditionally. I've never known unconditional love. I knew early on, that I was willing to be there for him through the highs and the lows. I have learned and grown so much, within myself.
We definitely had our roller coaster of emotions as we tried to find our way through the beginning of new found territory. And learning how each of us would react and respond to the others actions and responses proving to be some of our highest highs and lowest lows. But then we would find ourselves pulled right back to each other knowing we had so much more to learn about each other.
It hasn't been easy.. And while this blog will partially be about this amazing love story that's unfolding.. But it's mainly going to be about my journey being a ptsd warrior's caregiver, and the struggles the warrior goes through, as well as the struggles of loving someone with severe PTSD. So I hope you enjoy this journey, and become more educated on the struggles of someone struggling to survive in this world of "normalcy".
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